


talk me down

by outcastedsouls



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: After season 4 finale, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Universe, Character Study, Depressed Keith (Voltron), Depression, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance tries, M/M, So Many Time Skips, Time Skips, i swear i do love keith, i think it is one, i will never write anything happy, idk if im tagging this wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-20 01:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14249853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outcastedsouls/pseuds/outcastedsouls
Summary: Keith felt like he was being torn apart. Ripped apart by all the decisions weighing down on him.The choices were mocking him, pulling on his limbs and playing a cruel Tug-of-War with his body.Choose, they told him,it's either Voltron or the Blade, you can never have the things you want, sochoose, either way you'll be left alone because you're that fucking pathetic you can never have what you want-Keith had always been selfish.





	talk me down

**Author's Note:**

> another rant fic, welp.
> 
> Title from "talk me down" by Troye Sivan

Keith had known it was almost too good to be true.

The fact that he now had friends — _a space family_ , the fact that he wasn't alone, that he was wanted-

Oh, right. 

Of fucking  _course_ , it would all come crashing down. Because Keith would never have a good year, or even a day, in his entire existence.

Existence. He isn't living. Just existing for the sake of existing. 

 

_"Galra blood runs through your veins."_

Galra. Keith scoffed, not knowing whether to laugh or to cry. Probably a mixture of both.

Of course, the entire universe would be against him, and make everything he'd built up, worked hard for, come crashing down. 

Galra. 

The word echoed around in his head.

A monster. That's what he was. That's what he always had been. Keith knew why every foster family had rejected him. They had seen what he had been blind to, he had overestimated his worth. 

Now Allura couldn't even look him in the eye. Keith didn't blame her though, even he didn't want to see how fucked up he was. _A worthless monster._

Hunk kept asking him questions he didn't know the answer to. Questions he wished he had the answer to.

Keith just wanted it to stop. Wanted time to stop so he could sort out the mess that was his mind.

 

A knock sounded at the door, and his head shot up. He had the urge to tell them to fuck off, it was probably Shiro or Hunk, coming to ask him if he was fine when he clearly wasn't.

He was thoroughly surprised when the door opened to reveal Lance. He held his gaze for a couple of seconds — ticks? — before sliding down so that he was lying on his bed. 

"Leave me alone."

But Lance, the stubborn jerk, moved further into the room, the door sliding shut behind him.

"Keith, dude. You haven't come out of your room in two days. Have you even eaten?"

Two days? Funny, it felt like forever. Keith glanced up, and the look on Lance's face told him that he had said that out loud.

"That's it, you're getting out of the room this instant." With that, Lance made a grab at Keith's hand, but he pulled it away and turned to face the wall.

I said, leave me alone."

"You need to eat. Allura and Kolivan are going to start the planning to take down Zarkon in two hours, doboshes? Anyways, you need to get out of your room."

"It's a varga, and no, Lance, I am not getting out of the room. Would you just leave me alone already?"

There was a pause and Keith wondered if Lance was finally thinking about leaving him to wallow in his misery. Instead, he felt a weight flop down onto his bed. 

"Then I won't leave, either." His mind was set on chasing him out of the room, and Keith knew he could not win against Lance.

So he lets Lance drag him off the bed and out of the room.

 

* * *

 

Keith wondered how many times his life could go to shit in a single day, let alone a week.

Because nothing would ever be okay for him. 

Shiro had disappeared after defeating Zarkon, and Keith was now expected to pilot the Black Lion, to lead Voltron. 

Keith could almost start swearing and kicking the Black Lion for choosing him. Especially after that failed attempt at subduing Lotor. 

Of course, it was Lance who had stopped him, it was Lance who had talked sense into him.

Lance should have been chosen as the Black Paladin, hell knows how much he wanted it. He deserved it too, he would be the next best leader. 

Not Keith. He always messed everything up, he was too impulsive, never thinking straight. He wasn't ready to be leader, will never be ready.

 

He was like space, ever consuming, sucking the breath out of everyone and the life out of everything, destroying whatever came in contact with him.

 

Pain brought temporary relief to Keith.

 

*******

 

Keith didn't know what he was doing up at 3 am (space time, of course) in the observatory. He would usually be in the training room at that time, working out 'till he was about to pass out from exhaustion.

But something had drawn him towards the observatory, like a magnet. He didn't know whether to be surprised that a familiar tall brunette was in the observatory.

He awkwardly cleared his throat. "Hey."

Lance spun around. "Weren't you just out looking for Shi- him? What are you doing here? You should be resting."

Keith wanted to know the answer to that as well, reaching around in his mind for an answer. "Just... just thinking, that's all. Looking for answers." 

Realisation dawned in Lance's eyes, he nodded and turned back to face the window.

Keith joined him, crossing his arms, "and you? What are you doing up?"

"Same as you, I guess."

Keith nodded as well, and there was a pause in the room.

"Do you think we'll find him?" Keith was the one to break the silence, blurting out the question he so dreaded — a few seconds longer and he would have gone crazy and burdened Lance with his worries. The question ticked him off though, and he clenched his jaw.

"We will, don't worry." 

Lance turned to him, determination clear in his blue eyes, and Keith felt like he was being drawn in, the same way the galaxies reflected in his eyes had.

And Lance was looking so kissable right now, and he was leaning in, until they were so close that their breaths mixed, and _oh_ -

They were kissing. 

And Keith felt like he was drowning in the blue, blue ocean, but he never wanted to be saved because it _just felt so good_ -

And reality hit him. 

It was a fucking galactic war. 

There was no time for love during war.

Shiro was missing.

Oh god, Keith was letting Shiro down, he couldn't lose Shiro again, he needed to find Shiro quickly-

He pulled away, regretting his decision the instance he saw those blue, blue eyes widen with hurt.

"I- god, I shouldn't have done that, I am so sorry." And he was out, out of the observatory where the beautiful boy was staring after him with hurt, out of the place where he still could turn back and reverse his mistakes. _But_.

He shouldn't have kissed Lance.

Keith was a burden, he knew. He'd just keep dragging Lance deeper into misery with him, and he couldn't do that to Lance, to anyone with so much hope.

He got into Red and flew out into space, yet on another hunt — for Shiro, or for answers, he couldn't tell — that yielded no results. 

 

* * *

 

Keith felt like he was being torn apart. Ripped apart by all the decisions weighing down on him.

The choices were mocking him, pulling on his limbs and playing a cruel Tug-of-War with his body. _Choose_ , they told him, _it's either Voltron or the Blade, you can never have the things you want, so_ choose _, either way you'll be left alone because you're that fucking pathetic you can never have what you want-_

Keith had always been selfish.

He wanted, so fucking badly, to remain with Voltron, even after knowing the damage he would do, _because he destroys everything he loves-_

Shiro would make a better leader, Keith knew.

Lance had fit so well with Red, Keith knew.

Better than he had.

Keith's mind wandered back to that conversation he had with Lance in his room, about Lance leaving the group and his breath caught in his throat.

He should be selfless for once. 

So Keith leaves for the Blades, never looking back (ignoring the urge to).

 

*******

 

He wishes it was that easy, wishes that for once, the universe would stop being such a fucking bitch.

Lance comes after him, pulls him back by the arm, desperation written all over his face.

"Keith, I swear, if this has anything to do with that conversation-"

"No, it doesn't," Keith forces a smile, gently uncurling the hand that had a death grip on his arm. "It's my own decision."

And he turns around, ignoring Lance's yells and empty threats.

He tries not to regret it.

(He does)

 

(But since when has he not regretted the choices he made)

 

* * *

 

 Keith almost dies, almost kills himself.

The realisation only hits him after he lands the damaged Galran ship in the castle and is stumbling into his old room.

The revelation has his legs trembling and giving out below him, he flops on the floor ungracefully, leaning against his bed and staring at the dull grey wall in front of him.

He feels like screaming, screaming till his throat is sore and the whole universe hears his pain. But at the same time, all he wanted to do was to curl up in a dark corner of the castle and never be found.

He is unsure of the time that passes by as he sits there, he is jolted out of his trance when he hears his door slide open. He doesn't need to look at the intruder to know who it is.

"Hey man." He can see someone settle in beside him out of the corner of his eye. 

He says nothing.

"How was life with the Blade?"

Lance is trying to make conversation, but Keith is too tired to continue it. He does anyway, he shouldn't be selfish.

"It was normal. Tiring."

He hears a sigh and some shuffling until Lance is right in front of him. Keith turns his head, avoiding Lance's gaze.

"Matt told us what you tried to do." His head shoots up at that.

"What?" It comes out as a croak, and he winces internally.

"He said you were going to ram your ship into the shield." Keith braces himself for the lecture he knows is going to arrive. "Keith- I- Why would you do that?"

No reply.

"Keith, I've seen your wrists. I'm not blind. Please don't-" Lance's voice cracks."Please don't tell me you were trying to do _that_."

Keith's breath hitches, Lance had seen, Lance knew how weak he was now, he couldn't let anyone see-

"I was trying to protect you." Keith says bitterly."I was trying to protect the universe and Voltron. I'm not as selfish as you want me to be, Lance." He spits out his name, the name he loves.

"Keith-"

"No, just, don't." Tears are threatening to spill over from his eyelids now, but he can't let Lance know how vulnerable he is right now.

He pushes himself off the floor, turning towards the door. "I should probably head back now. Kolivan wants to have a debriefing." 

Keith walks out the door (because that's what he's always done — run away from his problems and solutions)

 

* * *

 

 

Keith dies on a mission 9 months after he joins the Blade of Marmora.

 

 

(He didn't want to, he swears)

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hate my writing so much istg.  
> As you probably can tell, I've had a couple of bad weeks. eh.
> 
> It seems like I'll never write anything with a happy ending lmao welp, I just love projecting onto my favourite characters :"D oops. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading!!!
> 
> (comments make my day. just saying.)


End file.
